Introspection

For the past three nights, I have looked at a blank blog post screen.  I feel there are many words to be said, yet there are no acceptable words.  Acceptable does not refer to the actual words but rather refers to what can be available for public consumption.  As much as I want to write in a blog, I cannot control who reads it, and because of that, I feel I must keep my thoughts closely guarded.  At times, this guarding of opinions seems to be in conflict with the "Do not live in fear" tenet of my Code of Ethics.  However, upon examining reality, it would be naive to put everything on display on the Internet.  Perhaps having the wisdom to publish what is necessary is different that living in fear of repercussions.

Over the coming months, I must do some contemplation and introspection about my future.  Such a task will require return to the wisdom of my old master of teaching, Socrates:  "Know thyself."  A side note:  Socrates taught me to teach through questioning.  I credit my use of "why" during teaching sessions to Socrates.  Unfortunately, I'm not well read in Socrates's work; however, those two principals:  "Know thy self" and teaching through questioning have stuck with me.

I digress (and will continue to do so).  As I enter my third decade, I find myself analyzing and reviewing my previous year(s).  This is not new, for I do it often and especially as my personal new year's day comes and goes.  The question of happiness arises.  In most respects I have forgotten what happiness feels like.  I know what it isn't.  I can identify others' experiencing it.  I have the capacity to know and feel the difference between a negative and positive event.  However, I feel no capacity for true happiness.  I know I once had his capacity; however, I have forgotten what it feels like or how to identify it within myself.

This has been true for over a decade and a half.  I cope with the deficiency well (consider the length of time I just mentioned).  However, at times this reality moves to the front of my mind.  For what ever reason, it has been lingering in my conscious thought for longer than normal.  An obvious question may be "what would make you happy?"  I cannot answer that, for I don't think I truly know.  Focusing on this aspect of me with the scurnity required to find a solution is like staring at a beach and focusing on one grain of sand that is of average color.  I either (a) don't know thyself enough to have an answer (b) fear what the answer would be if I truly participated in introspection, or (c) know thyself well enough to know there is no answer.

This pointelss rambling will soon come to a close.  This post is why I haven't written a blog entry in over three weeks or haven't recorded a podcast in over six months.  There is nothing substantive that I can share.