On Ambivalence

I first discovered this word while watching "Girl, Interrupted," which is a movie I highly recommend watching.  That film also introduced me to Winon Ryder, though I had seen her before, but i didn't make the name and actress connection until then.  My thoughts on Winona Ryder will material for a post on a day in the future.

Back at the matter at hand. . .

[pause]

Here is a post inside of a post.  I was about to write "Back at the matter at hand, the word that was actually used in the film by Dr. Wick to Susanna (Winona's character) was "ambivalent."  However, I decided to look up the quote, and and both "ambivalent" and "ambivalence" are used.

Back to the actual blog post. . .

The quote can be read here.  It would be nice to trace the information in the proceeding text back to my childhood, but, alas, much of the memories of thought from my childhood have faded.  I do have some specific memories, but day to day mental processes are gone. --

Ambivalence has been a part of my human experience for the entirety of my adult life and I suspect a good chunk of my pre-adult life.  One of the most common examples of its presence that I describe to others is music and medicine.  There was no coin toss, but the decision on what to study during my undergraduate years was effectively a coin toss between a track toward music or a track toward medicine.

Even now I feel strong pulls from both.  I often ask myself whether or not I should retool my skills and begin the medical phase of my life.  I suppose it is ironic that I'm fairly sure of my goal of study:  Osteopathic Medicine.  The pull of medicine is particularly strong when I have less than acceptable days as an educator.  What concerns me is trying to weigh these two interests 20 years from now.  What would have become of the time in between?

According to the 10th Edition of the Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, "ambivalence" is defined as

(1) simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action

(2a) continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite)

(2b) uncertainty as to which approach to follow

Ambivalence manifests itself in many ways in my life.  Tonight's two and a half consideration of playing a video game is a prime example.  Mind you, I didn't sit and ponder this and only this for that span of time.  I had a good conversation with my best friend via Skype; however, during that conversation I could not decide whether to play a PC game (then which game), a PS3 game (then which game), read (then which book), or simply go to sleep.  This happens often with one exception, criticial decisions (i.e. classroom situations and other interests related to my job).

I'd be curious to learn the line between ambivalence and indecision.  I do think career interests and fields of study fall under the mantle of ambivalent, for I'm passionate both about education, music, medicine, and technology.  I seem tethered to music and specifically music education, for that is has been the focus of all of my collegiate education (both undergraduate and graduate work).  For other items this line is not as clear.

I could go further and describe other opposing forces within me, but methinks that would be both boring and insigificant to the reader.  It would require me to delve into my inner demons, and frankly, I feel people don't truly care to know what's actually inside the mind of other people.  Such caring seems to be more of an exercise to see if your thoughts are as, less, or more dysfunctional that another persons.

I may have to write another blog post before a month and a week passes.  I seem to have opened two extra topics withn this one.  Curious how that seems to fit the title.